Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

My beach vacation Google searches

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

Spring of Deception

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

7: mom look I got my math test back!

me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!

7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?

me: …like I said, said proud…

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.