Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

How deep is your love?
Please show all work.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.

Hot Hot Hot

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”