My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
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The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
They did not think through this water fountain
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Well, that should do it
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread