my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?Driver: I hit a lawyer
Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?
Driver: I had to chase him through the park first
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“and how does that make you feel?”
