my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
long lost
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?