my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
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my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin