Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

making sure he doesnt get away

Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss