Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.

Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

My life is fraught with reality

I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower