My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
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When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
okay run it by me one more time
