My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
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God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
…..pretty much.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.