My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested