My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
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Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
😅🤣😂
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
they really do be looking like this
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.