My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
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[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.