My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
23. the denim jacket
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Van Gone
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
💀
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*