My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…