[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.