My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
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can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
“I took care of your clown problem.”
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Terribly Tuesday.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Rude much 😂😂😂
