Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids