My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.