Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.

Firing Squad:

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”

Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”