My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
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Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.