Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

I’m a bad influence on myself.

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

Guys, I found it.

PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!