My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.