My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
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old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”