My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
You Might Also Like
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
sometimes we need to be reminded
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.