My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice