Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Ah yes. The three genders

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.

You wear a jacket when you’re cold.

You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.

#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes

I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

[gf comes home after spray tanning]

Hey, orange you looking good!

“Thanks”

Anytime, pumpkin!

“You’re sweet”

You’re one in vermillion!

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me