My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
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When you’re here for the treats.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.