My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Boom, boom, ching!
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.