My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
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Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
You know…for fall…
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure