Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.

Howl 😭

Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

fourth time’s the charm

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

ATMs should have breathalyzers

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.