My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
gm
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I love the honesty
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.