My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
aura
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
No regrets in 2018
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”