Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

She said “stay up, imma call you”.

i’ve been awake for 4 days

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

[Mcdonald’s]

DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids

WIFE: we have 10 kids

DARWIN: I know

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”