Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours

cats:

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?

him: AI?

me: AI

him: oh

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

Auditioning for a commercial:

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.

Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.

Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?