Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”

Me: “Poverty.”

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.

*accidentally click on internet explorer*

Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live