My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.