Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Turn off autocorrect?

Challinje aceptid.

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

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