My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You Might Also Like
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Listening to music and explicit lyrics play.
In my 20s: *turns song up and sings along loudly with it*
In my 40s: *changes song* Do they have to cuss so much?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.