My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
so much to do
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed