My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
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Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
I love the honesty
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Can’t. About to go please some beans
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.