My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle