My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i think my razor is having a panic attack
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya