My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Writing, She Murdered.