My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.