My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”