My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Rambo Rambow
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Read an article that said:
“ChatGPT is making us dumber…”*and I was like _whatever_*
I’ve used it and I’m still super…
[asks ChatGPT for synonyms of smart]
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one