Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won

Client – is your boss available

Receptionist – he’s currently una –

Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…

Sunday

Why enunciation matters:

9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers

Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???

9yo: …BOXES!

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*

This is how I live now.