My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
what’s more important?
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
dogs can find happiness so easily
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.