My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
My boss called in sick of me
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
😩😩😩
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
courtroom exchange of the day
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Spell check is for lasers.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
The three genders
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.