Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

“You wore that before.”

Yes, because I own a washing machine.

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day

them: is it for an advent calendar

me: no

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

ALERT

At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.

Last seen in the word “Let’s”.

If you see it, please send it home.

Its tweet misses it.

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!