[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
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You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.