@KeetPotato

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

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@ElleOhHell

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

@LittleVodkaOwl

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

@copymama

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

@BigJDubz

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

@MeatloafComedy

I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???

@LurkAtHomeMom

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

@lisaxy424

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

@Lerky

Me: you’re like heroin.

Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?

Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.

@JodingersCat

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong