@RecursiveTaco

My dog learned how to open our sliding door and my toddler learned how to open the baby gate, so if anyone sees a toddler riding a dog those are mine.

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@iLikeCatShirts

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

@hunbothered

Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.

The End

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@3sunzzz

[phone]

H: What’s for dinner?

M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.

H: Should I stop and get something?

M: Yes, more vodka.

@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

@aveuaskew

Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.

@badbanana

The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.