“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
My dog learned how to open our sliding door and my toddler learned how to open the baby gate, so if anyone sees a toddler riding a dog those are mine.
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Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.