Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.
My dog learned how to open our sliding door and my toddler learned how to open the baby gate, so if anyone sees a toddler riding a dog those are mine.
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
*wakes from a dead sleep*
SHOULDN’T RED BULL GIVE YOU HORNS?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.