Self-cleaning conscience
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Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Oh no
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I would move hell over six inches for you
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.