@RecursiveTaco

My dog learned how to open our sliding door and my toddler learned how to open the baby gate, so if anyone sees a toddler riding a dog those are mine.

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@kidphonic

Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.

@TheAlexNevil

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

@Mr_Kapowski

*wakes from a dead sleep*

SHOULDN’T RED BULL GIVE YOU HORNS?

@SommerofMandi

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

@Skullcat

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

@HansGrubertron

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

@_mcgoof

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

@Donna_McCoy

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.