My dog learned how to text
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.