My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You鈥檙e just going to have to get in line, mom.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My teen can鈥檛 seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it鈥檚 intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.