Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Perfect

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy

Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

We all have our pet causes.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.