My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group