My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
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BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
“Worm Regards”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.