My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.