My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
every single time
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.