Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item

If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.