My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Brilliant!
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I got bills
They’re multiplying