My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
The Odyssey must have seemed like such a goofy title when it came out. Imagine if someone nowadays wrote a book about a guy named Steve and called it The Stevening and it was taught it every school 1000 years later
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
🤣🤣💀
