Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

😂😂

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

You know who else has a naughty list?

HR

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Computer: [down]

Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts