My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
security at the airport getting more straightforward
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.