My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
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Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!