My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.


Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.


If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss


Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.


Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?


listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa


maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.


Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.


me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl