@XplodingUnicorn

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

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@Darlainky

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

@danjan13

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

@meganamram

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

@Vodkantots

Listen, guys. I’ve had two kids.

Your promise to “destroy” it is no good here.

@SkinnieTalls

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

@GrantTanaka

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@mydmac

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

@InternetHippo

me: phones had no caller id. you answered with no idea who was calling!
children: the old man is off his meds. he’s losing it
me: my printer screeched like a pterodactyl