My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
You Might Also Like
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
mmm onion ringos
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.