My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eelsI didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Bear
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.