My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.